As I sit here with my new baby daughter on my chest.....(oh brother here come the tears already)....I am blown away by the love that has filled me. I never knew I could love someone so much that I didn't even know. I guess you could say I now believe in love at first sight. The moment she was put in my arms I knew that she was my everything, for the rest of my life. But bringing her into this world was not easy.... here's my story.
Tuesday night I started to get contractions. They weren't bad. But noticeable. By the time the morning came around, they were coming every 15 minutes. I had a Dr appointment so I went in with high hopes! Turns out I was only dilated 2cm and my midwife told me that I was having practice contractions. Bummer. She wasn't quite ready to come! I went home and endured the mild contractions for the rest of the day, feeling anxious. Little did I know, these contractions would seem like a walk in the park compared to what was ahead!
Wednesday night my contractions became more regular. I hadn't slept and knew I was up for another sleepless night. Sleep was impossible with these painful contractions coming every 8-10 minutes. I took a bath, and walked around trying to ease the pain. (again....HA! Walk in the park!)
The contractions were getting closer and closer together and I finally called the midwife. After an hour of my contractions being 4 minutes apart, we decided it was time to get ready to go to the hospital. The pain was unbearable. I thought for sure she would be born within the next couple hours! Now, I don't want to get too graphic but the pain was as if someone was trying to rip me apart from the inside. Think, Bella and her vampire baby literally ripping her apart to get out! I didn't know what to expect with contractions, but this was NOT it. And I was NOT prepared for the hours and hours of what was to come.
Mark washed my hair in the sink (what a sweet heart), we packed up and set out for the hospital at 4:00 am.
We got to the hospital and BAM....the contractions lightened up. Everything slowed down. I got checked in to our comfortable birthing room. My midwife checked me and I was only 3cm! How could that be!? All I could think was, if I had been in pain for this long, and I am only 3cm, how am I going to possibly find the strength to go on? I hadn't slept in two nights. The midwife was concerned that I needed sleep so she offered me morphine to help me sleep while my cervix dilated more. I gladly took it. I now regret it. I am thankful for the sleep it gave me, but I think it slowed things down even more. And it made me feel VERY drunk. I could barely walk and talk! I was completely out of it. Around noon, when it wore off, my midwife came to check on me again and saw I had not progressed. I was not happy with this midwife. I had never met her before. And she wasn't making me feel comfortable at all. She asked me what I wanted to do. HAVE THIS BABY! I wanted to yell! I looked to her for guidance, but the only advice she had was to maybe go home or to start me on Pitocin. Had she not read my Birth Plan? It clearly stated that I did NOT want medication, and she was already offering it to me? I wanted another midwife then and there. Finally at last resort, she offered to break my water. YES! Do it! I said! So she did.....and then the walk in the park was OVER. That was at 1:30 on Thursday afternoon.
The next 8 HOURS were pure HELL. Yes, HELL. The pain was hard and fast and never ending. And the leaking from my water being broken made everything uncomfortable. I was wet all the time, leaking all over the floor. We tried to go for a walk, but as I was dripping down my leg, I suggested we go back to the privacy of my room. And trying to pee was unbearable. I felt like she was going to fall out right then and there. It felt like as I stood up from my bed or toilet, my guts were going to just fall out beneath me. Sorry, that's gross, but that's what it felt like! And I still had a LONG way to go.
A lot of people have back labor. Not me. I had pain shooting down my upper thighs. The pain was so strong, I had Mark push down on them at each contraction to try and relieve the pain. And my legs were shaking uncontrollably due to hormones. The shaking wouldn't stop. It was as if I had hypothermia. So my legs were SO sore.
My midwife came in to check on me. Seeing my agony, she told me to get in the tub. This was a new midwife. One I had met, and liked. Whew! So I got in the tub and remained there for the next two hours until the point I had to get out to begin to push. The warm tub felt "good". If you can call it good. Pain beyond belief. BEYOND BELIEF! Why did no one warn me! Was this NORMAL!? There is no way people go through this! There is no way I will live to see another day! I was calling on Jesus to save me. I was wishing for death. I was begging for help. I was asking for pain relief. I was cursing the next looming contraction. Just kill me now....that's how I honestly felt. I was exhausted. Spent. Gone.
Mark, in the mean time, was amazing. Calmer than I could have expected. Coaching me through each contraction. Telling me to breath. Telling me good job. Talking me out of pain relief, saying this is what I wanted and what I have been preparing for all along. Reassuring me that I could do it. "NO I CAN'T!!! I just CAN'T!!"
People say they get the urge to push. I never got that urge. Push? You're kidding right? The thought of pushing pushed ME over the edge. But the nurse reassured me that soon I would have my baby, but I HAD to push to get her out! NOOOOOOO!!!
I tried every position in the book. Standing, squating, kneeling. Nothing worked. So I got on my back with my back elevated. Mark had one leg and the nurse had the other. This was the only way it was going to work for me. My nurse was amazing. She kept encouraging me even though I was yelling at her. She kept smiling, saying my baby was coming soon, and encouraging me to push harder. I pushed and pushed and pushed AND PUSHED! "Can you see the head yet!?" I asked! The reply I got was not a favorable one. "Not yet, but I was close." You gotta be kidding me! I can't push any harder and if I do, I am going to rip straight open from my butt to my vag! Sorry! No can do!
At this point, I was yelling and grunting...later Mark said I sounded like a 2000 lb bear. And the next day, my throat hurt like I had been at a rock concert all night!
"Just a few more pushes!" "You can do it this time!" "Keep pushing" "Use this contraction to get her out!" I heard all this....but I couldn't wrap my head around what was happening. I HAD to get her out and QUICK or I would die I was sure. So through my exhaustion and heart wrenching agony, I pushed one more time and HARD.
That's when they told me to look down because Mark was about to grab her! And then it was all a blur! Mark had her in his arms and put her right on my belly. She was so warm. She was so slippery! She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I could feel the pulsating umbilical cord connecting my daughter to me. I looked at Mark who looked completely stunned and he kissed me. I did it! But it wasn't over quite yet!
She told me to push again to expel the placenta. Out that came. We got to touch it! It was amazing! I had to get a shot in my anus....yes, anus, to numb me so she could give me two stitches from ripping. Then I had to get a shot in my thigh due to excessive bleeding. Then she had to give me stitches. At this time, my legs were shaking even harder. I told the midwife I hoped she had a steady hand! It felt like my labias were flapping in the wind! (I seriously hope I'm not offending anyone!) Then they were pressing on my belly. OUCH! Then they gave me a catheter to empty my bladder because there was no way in heck I was going to try to pee. If I even tried, out my guts would come, I was sure! It was as if they were beating me up! BACK OFF! I wanted to yell!
But my baby was in my arms. She was blinking up at me. She looked perfect. Perfect skin. Perfect dark hair like her daddy. Perfect long fingers and long fingernails! I couldn't believe how much she looked like her daddy! I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that for 9 months this is who I had been carrying around! She was finally here! In my arms!
The whole experience was amazing. Way worse than I had thought, but still amazing. I am glad I did it. I am glad that ONCE in my life I tried natural child birth. It was my right of passage as a mother. Now I am prepared for anything!
I can't wait to watch our little one grow. Not too fast, I hope! I have so many hopes and dreams for her. And I can't wait to see her personality blossom. I love her more than anything and I love her daddy too. Our little family is complete for now!
